Another long absence

While I have had strange dreams involving cars, driving, snow, not being able to find my way in the city with so many freeways and bridges.
What does it all mean?  I have no clue.

Hospice is still wonderful.  After so many years doing so many other things in nursing, this.......is what it was all for.  I was getting ready, being shaped, molded and formed into the nurse I became.  So that I could be the nurse I am.

I love my patients.  LOVE them.  Talking to them, listening to them, being with them.  It's wonderful and perfect and I still thank God every single day for this gift.

When I realized

that no matter what I had, it wasn't enough.  No matter how much I bought, I needed something more.  So many relationships ended looking for something better, places lived left, people thrown away, nothing ever was the right or best thing.   It led me to the certain knowledge that what I need is not something I can buy or move to or break up with to find another. 


I need the comfort, the love, the fulfillment that comes only from Him.  I want Him.  I need Him.  But in this world, it's so very hard to feel Him or be with Him or think of Him with all the distraction. I want to push and shove everything out of the way so there is nothing left but Him. 


But I can't.  I have to live here, function here, be present here.  I have to drive and fill out paperwork and interact with people and do laundry.


 Maybe then, it is a gift to be one of the dying.  To have finally the time to ponder, to think of Him, to pray, to lay in the comfort of His embrace and look forward to your destiny with the One who can replace the longings you have tried so desperately to fulfill.


I hope that is so.......